It’s a daily struggle at times.
Where I’ve been
Since October of last year I’ve been battling being a type 2 diabetic. I thought I’d have a full system of support around me, but the only true support I’ve gotten is from my partner who many know as Blade from my gaming blog. So his name will be the same over here as well. I thought I’d have the support of my mother, and sadly I don’t. Instead she thinks that it’s a game of who has the lower blood sugar levels now. When this all started in October we tried letting just the medication of Metformin to try and lower my A1C and it hasn’t work just alone. The misconception of being a type 2 diabetic is from the sugar that I eat. From my research and talking with dieticians it’s not true. Sugar alone doesn’t cause it. It’s the carbohydrates that you eat, and believe it or not stress too. I was under a lot of stress that October with almost losing Blade due to his health. My father has been really supportive as well, so that is two men that support me. I found my other system of support from my online friends who I’ve known for over 10 years. It’s been a true struggle for me with my mental health too because it was a flooring moment being told that no matter what I do it really couldn’t have been stopped. I had multiple disadvantages around me. My father is a type 2 diabetic, so there is that. Most know that saying, “Fathers give to their daughters, and Mothers give to their sons.” Well it’s true, my father gave me a lot more than we bargained for. It is because of him that I also have mental health issues. I’m not blaming him for passing things down, but it’s just the way things go. I’ve almost lost my father a few times over my life from his mental health, and his overall health too. He has a bad heart condition now. It’s so bad that his doctors have told me if they would crack open his chest again, his heart could explode from oxygen even touching it. It has a name that I can’t pronounce, so I don’t attempt it. Many believe it’s not a real thing, but it is. My father will be 70 years old in January of next year. So I cherish all those phone calls, visits from time to time. I know that day will come for him to leave me.
Blade has been very supportive too now that we’ve had the time to sit down and talk, and I told him if he wanted to walk he could, because I know this is how he lost his mother. She died of a heart attack due to complications of Type 2 Diabetes. He’s decided that he was going to walk this journey with me. His love for me is that strong and he doesn’t want to lose me due to him doing what he use to do and that was running away from problems. Like him and I talked about, I didn’t ask for this to happen. It happened due to family history, and well stress. It’s a silent killer, and that is sad because a lot of people don’t realize that stress can kill you, it can hurt your health overall. Not just your mental, but physical health too. Having a toxic parent can really hurt a lot more than most would think. My mother is very toxic to me, and at the moment we’re still living here in her house. I thought with all that has happened to her over the last few years she would have changed, but she hasn’t. At least not towards me. I’ll talk about why a little later on. So I have a few people that support me outside of the internet world. Course even though the friends online are here online, they are also people I’d love to meet one day in real life as well because of how close we all are in an online world. I’ve met these people at various times in my life, usually at my worse and they’ve been very supportive from that time on.
Diabetic Road I’m on now
This road has changed a lot since October, and that is because now I’m on insulin too. What I take every day is called Lantus SoloStar 100 UNIT/ML Subcutaneous Solution Pen-injector , I was very skeptical about taking insulin, but now that I’ve been on it for a month I’m happy that my doctor prescribed this after my last A1C test didn’t go to well. I still don’t know what my A1C from that one is because he hasn’t listed it online to my record, but it couldn’t have been good at all. Now I take 20 units daily and I didn’t want to do it at first because I was in denial about having this issue, and that is where it took me down a dark road with my mental health because I wanted to give up on everything until this sweet little girl that depends on me for love, care, and etc. Yes I’m talking about Raven, she’s been a rock in all of this. She’s my reason for doing it all, this little girl has been a rock for Blade and I ever since she came into our lives back in 2015. She’s the reason we moved in with my mother at all too because we wanted to keep her safe, and anyone that has pets can understand that they are not just pets, they become our furry little children, they become a part of our families. They are family, there is no tossing them out when something happens in life. We are her entire life, and we try our hardest for her and protect her from harmful things.
She wakes me every morning to taking my over night fasting blood levels, watches me as I take the insulin daily. She’s even there to give me kisses after it’s all done. She’s truly my heart and I love her more and more each day for all that she does for me. Blade and I even have a thing we do. Each morning after I take my glucose level each morning I am to text him what the number for the day is. Plus he’s also looking out for my mental health as well. He’s worried about it all now.
Sometimes I feel like I belong here!
My mental health isn’t that great
Like I said earlier my mental health hasn’t been all that great since October of last year, and that was because of the sudden news of being a diabetic. Plus there was a chance of losing Blade as well from his health too. So all that was weighing on my mind then there was the fighting with my mother. It would go good then she’d say or do something that would hurt me, and expected me to just deal with it all together on my own. Then it just stopped for a while, until she made a statement that floored me so much that it literally broke me mentally. To this day she doesn’t see what she said as being wrong at all. As most people know Blade and I have two grown daughters that we lost in the 2000’s and never really talked much about it with her because she didn’t believe anything I said as well. From what she told me really hurt me badly in two ways. How it happened was we were talking about various things and she came out and said to me this.
She was talking with one of her girl friends on night on the phone and she said she made the statement that I should have never been a mother at all. Which she has now tried to twist it around and doesn’t even make it right. Then on top of that she even made the statement that she shouldn’t have been a mother at all either, and regretted me. Talk about having the floor ripped out from under me. So when mother’s day came last month I had to swallow my pride and still wished her a happy mother’s day. Even though I’ve been hurt by her saying that, I’ve already forgiven her, but I won’t forget it either. My father on the other hand has reminded me that he’s never once regretted me, nor does he believe I shouldn’t have been a mother. He just wished I was given a chance to be a better mother than the one I have. Course he believes I already was because I was there when they needed me the most in the beginning until they wanted our parental rights. Blade as highly pissed off at her for making a statement like that because her saying, even thinking it, was basically saying he should not have been a father either. Which he does not take highly. He’s always wanted to be a father, just our system in Pennsylvania back then believed neither him nor I were fit to be parents.
For years I never thought I’d hear those same words from my own mother. The system I can understand to a point, but my own flesh and blood. The woman that brought me into this world? It just floors me and yet even though she’s been trying to turn it all around, and say it was because of our ages, etc. I mean it doesn’t make a bit of a difference in the whole thing. I believed you never think, never say things like that about children you’ve brought into this world. I didn’t ask to be here, I didn’t ask for them to be my parents, all I asked for was love, caring, being taken care of as a child. Helping me grow into a wonderful woman. Instead I grew up with a lot of pain, and a lot of mind fucks in my life. Even now she’s still trying to spin it off in other words. Well the other night I laid into her, things I’ve held inside for 20+ years now finally came out, and it is like walking in a new light now. I told her that Blade and I are looking for a place that will allow us to keep Raven, and as soon as we can we are moving out, and I’m wiping my hands clean of this whole situation and walking away for the sake of my mental health. Blade is backing me up on all of this because he’s known about all of this because him and I have talked about it all a few months ago and he asked me then why I didn’t tell her and I told him because I didn’t want to hurt her, but seeing as how she has hurt me multiple times in my life on various things, I finally decided to give her the truth on everything instead of holding it inside where it was just festering in me, causing me more pain. So now that I have done that, I feel better, my shoulders feel lighter, and my mind is finally calm again in my life. So that my road so far this year. I just hope now that things are taken care of, and being taken care of our lives will become calmer yet again.
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